


Buried in the weight of your arms

by kenkatsuki



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Established Relationship, I have a lot of feelings, M/M, they have a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenkatsuki/pseuds/kenkatsuki
Summary: Neil grasped tightly at Andrew and hoped to convey all he felt towards the other man. It was so much. Too much. He wasn't sure how it was possible to feel so much for a person when he had learned all his life that feelings were dangerous and risky things, better to be held at bay.But Andrew had come into his life and Neil would have to lose his fingers and hands and arms to let go of him. Maybe not even then.No matter what happened they would always find the way back to each other.





	

Safe.  
That's what Neil felt when looking at Andrew. Safe. 

When the thought first came to him he couldn't help but feel an uncomfortable uneasiness swell inside him. All his life he had lived in torment and fear. Not once in his childhood had he felt safe. Surrounded by death and pain and the watchful eye of his father and his men, he hadn't had one single second to relax.  
Neither did he during the eight years on the run.

On the run he and his mother had kept moving while constantly looking over their shoulders, expecting Nathan's men to come at them any second, waiting for someone to look at them for just too long, learning that shadows could hide more than only simple darkness.

Safety had been an unfamiliar concept to Neil. 

It had taken him long to befriend the thought that now, after everything was over, he could maybe finally be safe.  
Even though the habit was hard to throw, he no longer had to live on edge. No longer had to pretend he was someone he wasn't, no longer had to look over his shoulder wherever he went or look for all possible exits whenever he entered a room.

He had a home now. A family. And he would fight tooth and nail to keep them safe. 

He had Andrew. 

Andrew who had hold all of his weight without breaking a sweat.

Andrew who had given him a reason to stay.

Andrew, who had given him a home.

Sometimes he felt so terribly vulnerable when with Andrew. Because Neil trusted him so much he dropped his guard and all his masks.  
He exposed himself for Andrew and shed all the layers he had fed to those around him. He wanted go give all of himself to Andrew, and that scared him. 

He consciously chose to be vulnerable for Andrew and only Andrew because he trusted him to treat him tenderly.  
Each traced finger over scarred skin, each warm breath over hot skin, each lowly whispered word into his ear, each warm steadying palm on his neck, everything Andrew did, made him come undone.  
And he loved it. 

Their relationship was built on trust and Neil had never thought he'd trust a person willingly, being aware and fearing the consequences weakly-placed trust could bring with itself.

But not once had he doubted his decision to trust Andrew. 

He had come to learn very early that Andrew was a man of his word and kept his promises. Promises were never simply promises to him, just as keys were far more than just keys to Neil.  
They understood each other perfectly and smoothed each other's edges so that they'd fit against each other. Not a word needed to be exchanged. Sometimes a single glance was enough, sometimes a lingering touch, sometimes a simple 'Yes or No?'  
It was disorienting how well they could read the other and knew what they needed at the moment without so much as a word needing to be said.  
Their teammates had caught on pretty soon that what they had was something serious. The way they got lost in each other and held each other's gaze for so long, oblivious to everything and everyone around them, was simply too powerful to be brushed aside. 

They weren't big on pda because both of them didn't think that what they had was anyone's but their own business. They preferred to unravel each other in the solitude of their togetherness that didn't feel like solitude at all.  
They didn't want anyone to get a glimpse of something so important and treasurable.

But they didn't make it a secret either.  
Lingering touches were exchanged frequently between them because the feeling of the other was grounding and beautiful, affection shared in ways that was so tender and spoke volumes that sometimes it hurt thinking about what they had.  
Neil would have never thought another person could mean so much to him.  
He had been drilled to only ever think about himself because that's how you survived in the end: by cruelty and selfishness, by being willing to sacrifice and abandon everything as long as it meant to live. 

Yet when he had arrived at Palmetto and met the Foxes he had become achingly aware of the fact that he wouldn't be able to sacrifice them. 

After some time with them he had realised with a jolt that he wouldn't be able to stand it if any of them would have to die and that was for Neil a very disorienting thought, as he had grown up around death, and losing people had become nothing more than an inconvenience.

This ingrained cold-heartedness was the reason he had been able to survive this long but he had not been aware of the fact that he had yearned to feel something again. To care for something. To live for something. To really live, and not merely survive, pain-staikingly moving from one day to the next, quietly letting out a sigh of relief at the end of each day, when he had managed to survive yet another day. 

And the Foxes had taught him how to life. 

What it meant to have people who you would give your life to protect. What it meant to have family.  
Family forged over bonds and not by blood. 

And Andrew had been the reason Neil had decided to stay. 

He had gambled his life on Andrew's promise, he had put his trust in him and in return Andrew had given him the opportunity to a family and a home. 

Neil was so unbelievably grateful for Andrew and all he had done. He still thought that he somehow had to repay him for all he had done for him but he was more than certain Andrew didn't want to hear it and would dismiss being the reason for Neil's happiness. He was happy now. Safe and happy and he laughed at how absurd and strange these unfamiliar sensations felt. 

He felt giddy with the tight feeling in his chest as he gazed at the man across from him.

They were sitting on the couch and Andrew had fallen asleep with a book on his stomach and his feet in Neil's lap.  
For a moment Neil's breath caught in his throat realising this obvious display of trust to Neil, being able to fall asleep like this, vulnerable, handing himself to Neil and trusting him to treat him with care. 

Neil felt a smile tug on the corner of his lips as he took in Andrew: pale blonde hair slightly falling across his right eye, disheveled from leaning on the coach. Pale eyelashes fanned down, throwing shadows across his cheeks. Sharp jaw, beautifully cut cheekbones, full lips, slightly hanging open, body limp and for once fully relaxed.  
Neil didn't know how he deserved Andrew but he was so so thankful.  
His heart thumped against his ribcage and stuttered in a nervous rhythm. 

He wanted to reach out and move back some of the hair from Andrew's forehead, but not wanting him to startle from the touch out of his sleep.  
He settled for continuing to gaze at the man beside him, carefully carving each little detail into his mind as he had done so often before. 

Andrew must've felt the weight of his gaze as he lazily opened his eyes to squint over to Neil. 

"Staring," he accused Neil, voice slightly rough from disuse. Neil's traitorously heart kicked in his chest.

"So?" Neil shot back with an amused grin playing on his lips.  
Andrew glared at him but Neil knew better than to interpret that as a sign of annoyment. 

"I like staring at you," Neil admitted after a moment.

Andrew gave a small huff before replying with a flat "I noticed."  
With that he sat up and stood up and as Neil already wanted to ask him to stay his words died in his throat as Andrew moved to stand in front of him just to descend into Neil's lap to straddle his hips.  
"Yes or No?" He asked as he leaned down so their foreheads touched.  
"Yes," Neil breathed out, already slightly dizzy and exhilarated by the want and need to have Andrew close.  
Neil didn't hesitate to meet Andrew's lips and their lips connected with an insistence and desparation that left both of them breathless.

Andrew's hand moved up to card his fingers through Neil's hair just as Neil's hands moved to hover above Andrew's hips unsure if he would welcome the contact or not. Andrew sensed what had him hesitating and reached down to firmly place both of Neil's hands on his hips while his eyes were focused solely on Neil's, an unspoken declaration of trust that had Neil's chest aching painfully again. 

When Andrew was sure Neil's hands would remain, he reached up to place both of his hands in Neil's hair to tug him into a kiss again. This one lacked the intensity of the previous one, moving into something slightly more tender yet still containing a sense of desparation that all of their kisses contained. They were aware they had all of the time now but the fear of separation stung too freshly in both of them to be able to fully accept the possibility of the word 'always'.  
It was a word that held too much at once for both of them to digest so soon. 

So they learned to enjoy all moments they were presented, to cherish the fact that they were able to touch and feel and kiss each other.

Andrew moved slightly back to catch his breath while Neil did the same, yet they remained impossibly close to each other, needing to feel the reassurance and warmth of the other.  
Andrew leaned his forehead against Neil's as they both attempted to catch their breaths and mindlessly curled the locks of Neil's neck-hair through his fingers which elicited small shudders from Neil. He in return buried his face in Andrew's neck which made him shiver. 

Neil would never tire of that reaction.

He then began to place small kisses on Andrew's neck, moving up to trail some along his jawline and down to rest on his shoulder, having to move aside a bit the collar of the black shirt Andrew wore.  
A series of small shivers then seemed to run through Andrew and Neil was more than delighted to have been able to get this reaction. 

Andrew suddenly grabbed his face again and smacked his lips against Neil's in a bruising kiss which Neil didn't hesitate to return.  
He had noticed that whenever Neil found little vulnerabilities which Andrew let him see, he would pull Neil in for a kiss, overwhelmed and needing a distraction.

Andrew must've felt Neil's wide smile through the kiss because after a second he breathed against Neil's lips: "Shut up."  
"Not saying anything," Neil replied, grin stretching wider on his face. 

Andrew gave somewhat of a frustrated growl as he returned to kissing Neil. Neil was happy to oblige and folded himself more snugly against Andrew when he put a hand on the small of Neil's back to pull him closer. Neil was more than happy to be kissed senseless. 

Andrew moved off him just to reverse their positions and pulled Neil promptly onto his lap. Neil wound his arms around Andrew's strong shoulders and leaned down to place one kiss after another on the expanse of Andrew's exposed skin, wandering from his cheekbone to his nose, from his jaw to his chin, coming to rest for a moment on the juncture between his neck and shoulder and slowly inhaled the scent that was so Andrew and slowly exhaled again. 

Andrew shivered again and tugged a little at Neil's hair.  
Neil gave a satisfied hum and let himself willingly be tugged toward Andrew's mouth.  
No matter how much they kissed it never seemed to be enough.

The weight of Andrew's lips on Neil's just felt too right, and exploring each other's mouth, although having done it a thousand times by now, always felt like the first time.

Breathlessly demanding lips on lips, teeth pulling gently on lips, breaths exchanged inside the confines of their mouths. 

Sometimes Neil felt terribly lost when kissing Andrew.  
It felt somewhat like falling but knowing he would be caught by Andrew took some of the nervousness away.

Andrew was always there to catch him. 

He couldn't bear the thought of being separated from Andrew again so he relished in every single moment they had together.  
His heart sprinted desperately with the need to be near Andrew, sometimes it was unbereable.  
Sometimes he forgot just how much he leaned on Andrew.  
How much he relied on him and how natural it had become to him to know Andrew always stood right behind him, how he was always there where Neil needed him most, when Neil needed him most.  
Without question he would offer himself a steady weight to balance Neil. Calm and unperturbed by the ugliness inside of Neil.  
He was the eye of the storm. 

He always let Andrew know that Neil was there to steady him as well, to shield him from the world and all its cruelty but he felt that Andrew didn't want to depend on anyone. Didn't want anyone to see his rare moments of weakness, didn't want to give in or admit to fear.  
But after a while he had learned that Neil wouldn't relent to offer himself, would always be there when the world tried to bring Andrew to his knees, would always be there to catch him or help him up afterwards. 

It was an difficult and much patience-demanding ordeal but Neil had no hurry and would always be there when Andrew called.  
No matter how often he'd be pushed away and Andrew feared he wouldn't return, he would be there without question, to soothe Andrew's ragged nerves. 

It took him a long time to fully let Neil in.  
It was terribly difficult and paused by countless step-backs but they steadily advanced the rough path together.  
And even when they had to take one step back, they'd always take two steps forward, so progress was slow but sure. 

Gentle steady hands would always be there for the other, be it silent supportiveness in form of a hand on a neck, or silently whispered reassurances in form of a warm body pressed close to the other.

Words weren't needed for them to know what to do, if distance or nearness was needed, if silence or quietly exchanged words were needed. 

After a while their 'Yes or No' was replaced by lingering cautious touches or inquiring gazes and a nod as answer. 

It took a very long time until reassurances weren't needed anymore.  
When they could lean in and place their hands on the other without asking for confirmation first or to simply lean down for a kiss. 

Their relationship was build on trust and as they continued to explore boundaries and learn each other thoroughly and fully they began to understand just how much of themselves they had given to the other and would continue to give and how surely and doubtlessly they were ready to deliver all of themselves to the other.  
To give each and every piece that made them who they came to be to the other. 

They knew each other too well, too deeply, too intimately, for it to be possible for them to ever be apart again. 

They filled gaps and holes where they could, soothed the other's wounds and kissed each other's aches.

Without question they'd stand behind the other.  
There was so unbelievably much trust between them it sometimes overwhelmed Neil.  
How he would give all of himself without a millisecond of hesitation for Andrew.  
How Andrew would do the same for him.  
How they had shared each sharp shard of glass buried inside both of them with the other. How they trusted the other to not do any harm when glimpsing the exposed wound, but would do everything in their power to remove the shard of glass as cautiously as possible and treat the wound with care afterwards, patiently waiting until it had fully healed.

Both of them had to go through too many painful things to be able to fully heal, but with the other reassuringly and steadily standing behind them it had become so much easier to go on. 

Neil would burn down the world for Andrew, just as Andrew would do for Neil. 

They'd wage wars, either against themselves or the cruel reminder of reality, but would fight alongside each other, not willing to lose a single battle. 

They were invincible together.

Where Neil went, there Andrew followed. Where Andrew went, Neil followed. 

They were so accustomed to each other's presence, they moved in such a practiced ease that had come off many years of togetherness and blind trust. 

Back at their apartment, Andrew gently eased Neil onto the cushions of the couch, hovering above him, chests a breath apart. Neil laced his arms around Andrew's neck so he could pull him down and into a kiss.  
Andrew braced both of his forearms on both sides next to Neil's head on the armrest and eased his body onto Neil's so his body rested now flush on top of Neil's. Neil arched his back so he could press himself deeper into Andrew, even when not a breath separated their bodies anymore, but it never seemed to be enough. Neil longed to be as close to Andrew as possible. 

Neil ran his hand through Andrew's pale hair, enjoying the feeling of them in his fingers.  
He continued to gently massage Andrew's scalp and it didn't take long until Andrew went pliant on top of him, halting their kissing for a moment to hide his face in Neil's neck and breathe deeply. 

Neil had learned just what actions would make Andrew relax and take some of the tenseness that seemed to follow him everywhere.  
Whenever Andrew would turn boneless in his arms his heart would jump just a bit unevenly. 

Andrew lay a palm on Neil's chest to feel his heartbeat and allowed himself a small satisfied smirk to have been able to speed up his pulse.  
If he only knew just what he did to Neil's hopeless heart. 

Neil's eyes must have betrayed his emotions, because for a moment Andrew just silently and steadily gazed back at him, eyes glued to his in an intense yet tender manner. 

Neil thought he had mastered the art of pokerface years ago perfectly, being able to deceive and lie to everyone around him left and right.  
But he could not deceive Andrew.

Andrew had studied him way too closely for him to miss anything flickering across Neil's face.  
Neil couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed.  
How could he, this was after all Andrew.  
His Andrew. 

Something flickered across Andrew's face and Neil moved to rest his palm atop Andrew's chest now, being slightly stunned that apparently his heart was not the only in disarray. 

So he did to Andrew's heart just what Andrew did to his.

This thought filled him with so much warmth, his breath caught in his throat and he moved his chin up to catch Andrew's lips in an emotional and desparate kiss.  
Andrew gave up on bracing his weight on his forearms, knowing Neil could take his weight, and let both his hands wander up and down Neil's sides, moving his shirt up a bit and wandering across the expanse of Neil's skin.

Fingers moving across puckered flesh they knew better than his own scars by now. 

Neil's hands in return roamed Andrew's broad shoulders and back, desperately grasping at his shirt, when his heart became too heavy in his chest. 

Both grew more and more breathless by the second and had to separate for a moment to catch their breaths.  
Refusing to be entirely separated though, they moved to place the smallest kisses on the other's lips, leaning back again to get some air and lean forward to trace the next kiss on each other's lips.  
It was wonderfully fullfilling.

Neil grasped tightly at Andrew and hoped to convey all he felt towards the other man. It was so much. Too much. He wasn't sure how it was possible to feel so much for a person when he had learned all his life that feelings were dangerous and risky things, better to be held at bay. 

But Andrew had come into his life and Neil would have to lose his fingers and hands and arms to let go of him. Maybe not even then. 

No matter what happened they would always find the way back to each other.

They were like magnets, pulled by forces stronger than they could control.  
Nothing was strong enough to separate them and if anyone tried they'd realise really soon how badly they had fucked up. 

You didn't mess with people willing to sacrifice continents for one single person. 

They would be together for how long they could and they would be thankful for each single moment. 

Happiness was an unfamiliar and odd concept.  
But Neil thought that what he felt right there in this moment, this powerful undeniable rush of light filling his chest, making him feel dizzy and exhilarated, could perhaps be called happiness.

Andrew was all he needed and would ever need and together they were a force to be beheld. 

Together, nothing stood a chance against them.


End file.
